could be blue, could be gray.

it’s been rainy a lot here lately.
today, though, madison couldn’t make up its mind…
…clouds, sun–back and forth, come and go.
i don’t like the anticipation/disappointment of that kind of weather.

speaking of disappointment, i wonder when i will ever learn to tame my restless side. usually decisions stemming from a case of cabin fever turn out to be flat and entirely fizz-less, even if they are choices as small as going to the movies. lately, every ordinary american film i’ve seen has been a predictable bore.

i wore beth’s long dress today, the one with the big flowers. i had all three kids in the back of my car, and we were listening to kingdom come, coldplay when we backed out of the driveway. something about the dress and the kids and the gray-blue sky made me wish that instead of my silver cavalier i was driving a station wagon. i had a vision of flying down some deserted interstate with wide open spaces to my left and right, and the windows down, and the kids laughing in the rearview mirror. it’s a good thing that my bank account is small these days and that i’m a little bit rational, because otherwise the idea would have been entirely too tempting.

rational. i get so tired of that word, but i never leave it behind when i go places. sometimes i feel like it’s a great battle inside of me, the risk-taker versus the cost-counter. it’s never over very big things, either, just trivialities. if there’s a line in the sand, then i take turns hopping back and forth because i can never make up my mind. i know i don’t want to live a risk-free, routine life. and yet, i don’t care to blow money and minutes of my youth on things that don’t matter after their two hours are up. the whole struggle is part of growing-up, in my case. it’s a large portion of defining exactly who i am, at this precise stage of my life. it’s a fragment of a larger battle, in which i try to avoid the personal downfalls of every close friendship i’ve ever held. it’s solidarity in singularity.