it’s not meant to be like this.

I suck at endings.
And honestly, I’m not always so much for beginnings, either.
I like the middle of things.

So, now, when the ending of a lot is near, I’m running crazy in my head. You could label me an overthinker. There is the obvious of course–my first year of school and all that entails—but there’s more than that. Stuff too deep and maybe too real for here. How do you feel and what do you do when certain seasons of your life draw to a close?

I’m ridiculously excited about my summer and next semester. But I don’t want to say goodbye to what I know.
And my imagination is so very different than reality. I imagine lazy summer days full of picnics and dinners I cook and laughing with my sister. I dream about my summer fling. I plan for Memphis. I see myself in dresses and sort of tan, toting kids around, loving it. But i think I forget about the times when even boxed mac & cheese will seem like an effort, and the days I’ll crave the sound of someone my own age. I think the pessimist in me is out tonight. (rare).

I carry the burden of someone’s else mistakes. I’m afraid of what I do. This isn’t my guilt to carry. It isn’t my responsibliity. Yet, because of what I know will be true, I cannot divorce myself from it. Wish I knew how to line my confusion up with what God woudl say about it all. Wish i knew how to be real with myself.